Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
