So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
