Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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