Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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