Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
