I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
