fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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