is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
