i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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