were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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