omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
