Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
