Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
