hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
