I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
