Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
