the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
