I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
