I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
