Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
