I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
