My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
ttyl tear gas
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
