I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
