Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I intend to get homeless drunk
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
