I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
