these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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