Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
