Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
