where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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