And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
