i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
