and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Help. Why am I so naked?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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