Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
