you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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