I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
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Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
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Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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