I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
