The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
