Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
