I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
