Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
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I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
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Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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