I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
