I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
