i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
