Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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