Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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