Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
