yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
