Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
