I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
