How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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