four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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