I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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