you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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