I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
