Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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