i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
