your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
