i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
