chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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