dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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